Distorted Reality
by Fictionnaire
Summary: What happens after the characters read Fanfictions. Series of CrackPairings. Meant to be a bit of fun


_**REALITY **_

A/N: Some pairings that should never be I guess…

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Gibbs/Ducky = Dibbs or Gucky

Gibbs strolled into autopsy right on cue. Ducky had just finished performing the autopsy, he looked up. "Right on schedule Jethro," Ducky waited for him to ask the same question that he did every time. Ducky almost missed hearing it when they didn't have a case.

"You found anything Duck?" Gibbs asked. He noted that the doctor had finished the autopsy.

"Nothing I'm afraid," Ducky was waiting for the rise in Gibbs' temper when things didn't go the way Gibbs wanted to.

"Damn it!" Gibbs cursed as he punched one of the autopsy tables. He was sure that they'd find something in the organs to prove that the death wasn't accidental. Gibbs was really angry and he saw Ducky approach to offer him a reassuring tap on the shoulder as he sometimes did.

"Sometimes we just see things that aren't there Jethro," he said. The familiar smell of sawdust and varnish tickled his nose.

"You're right," Gibbs replied, he couldn't believe that he found the smell of blood alluring, comforting and downright nice.

"What?" Ducky asked as Gibbs took a step closer into that close-personal space as he broke through that invisible comfort barrier.

"Your aroma is strangely arousing Duck," Gibbs said.

Ducky's eyes widened from behind the face shield. "As is yours old friend," Ducky dared to make his feelings known. He went to remove the gloves to dispose of them.

"Don't," Gibbs said softly. "They're sexy," he said as he removed Ducky's face shield forcibly. "Blood, blue and white suits you.

Ducky and Gibbs grabbed each other and passionately kissed each other as they reciprocated their feelings for each other and landed on one of the autopsy table making out.

* * *

Ziva/Kate = Zate or Kiva

"I have seen pictures of you," Ziva told Kate as she looked at her long straight hair. Tony often talked about Kate but she never thought she'd meet her in person. There was always a well known fact that Ziva had a phobia about the supernatural but Kate's ghost radiated a calm and friendly effect.

"So you're my replacement," Kate observed. "What did you do before? You know I protected the president of the United States," she told her.

"Well I was a Mossad Officer in Israel," Ziva told her. Kate was secret service she told herself. That was impressive but the secret service had nothing on Mossad.

"Really?" Kate asked, obviously impressed by the revelation. "I find women who can take care of themselves a real turn on," Kate added.

Ziva raised her eyebrows. That was something she'd never expected a woman to say to her, especially if that woman was a ghost. "Excuse me," she said nervously. It was visible that her body was quivering out of excitement and fear.

"The reason Tony and I never got together is because I'm a lesbian," Kate's ghost said and reached into a pocket to pull something out.

"Cucumber?" Ziva felt some fear returning.

"Are you scared Officer Ziva David?" Kate tapped the cucumber against her shoulder cheekily.

"Yes," Ziva felt drawn to Kate. It didn't matter how scared she felt. It felt strangely exhilarating though.

"They say fear and sexual excitement go hand in hand," Kate began doing things to the cucumber that should only be performed on a male.

"Give that here," Ziva licked her lips before she began joining Kate in enjoying the company of the cucumber. The newness of the experiment coupled with the fact that they could be caught at any moment added to the physical pleasure that accompanied the action. "Oh, God yes!" Ziva screamed.

* * *

Tony/Brad Pitt = Titt or Brony or Pony

Tony was sick and tired of all the checkups Gibbs had made him do. Damn, as soon as he got a sniffle it was off to the doctors. Luckily some time had passed since Tony had contracted the plague and was now able to actually clear his throat without everyone entering full blooded panic mode.

Tony watched Brad Pitt's reaction as he listened to the stethoscope. There was a small frown as Brad listened intently. "What's the matter Brad?" Tony asked as he slightly tilted his head.

"Your heartbeat is a little faster than I like," Brad said as he took some notes.

"Oh really," Tony said in a non surprised tone as he sat up and then stood up. Brad wrote down more notes. Tony picked up the discarded stethoscope and put the ends to your ears. "Do you enjoy playing Doctors… Brad?" Tony said in a teasing voice.

"How many times have I told you to leave my stethoscope alone?" Brad asked, clearly annoyed.

Tony walked up to Brad until he was backed against the wall and listened to Brad's chest. "Looks like I'm not the only one with a fast heartbeat… Brad," Tony said. "You want to play Doctor on Doctor?" Tony grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

"I thought you were more of a Nurse on Doctor kind of man," Brad answered.

Tony could hear the heartbeat increasing. "Anything with Doctors or nurses excite me a lot," he said as he took off the stethoscope and looped it around Brad's neck to draw his lips closer. What Tony found surprising was the lack of struggle. Their lips touched tenderly before they liplocked for a long time. "Wow," Tony said after withdrawing from the kiss.

"Wow what?" Brad slowly opened his eyes and he licked the taste of pepperoni off his lips with his tongue.

"I can now say that I've made out with Brad Pitt," Tony laughed. "The girls will be so jealous," he said.

"You want to give them something to be real jealous about?" Brad asked as he waggled his eyebrows.

* * *

Leon Vance/Tony = Lony or Teon or Toon or VanOzzo

Vance was really annoyed with most of Gibbs' team, there was so much disregard for protocol. There was one person that was being more irritating than any other agent under his command. That was Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. They were never on good terms and the thing that made it worse was the fact that Vance gave him five minutes to get into his office… It was twenty minutes before he casually strolled through the door.

"Agent DiNozzo," Vance said coldly.

"Director," Tony answered as he matched tones.

Vance was clearly annoyed. "You're a disgrace!" Vance screamed at him.

"How dare you?!" Tony shouted back. "I'm a damn good agent," he said.

"You're nowhere near a good agent!" Vance retorted as he walked over to close the door. "Your behavior is unacceptable and I'm this close to firing your ass," Vance closed the door and approached him. "Man, I love you for it," he said.

Tony smiled at the game they played. Everyone thought that they never got along, that they never saw eye to eye. As long as they kept that façade up, they could enjoy their relationship so secret.

"Press my skin like only you can," Leon said.

Tony willingly obeyed that order.

* * *

McGee / Windows Messenger = McMessenger

_I'm running my fingers over my shirt, unbuttoning my shirt, taking off each button slowly… I know how everyone likes it nice and slow._

_BLING! __Then what? Yeah, Elf Lord, I like it nice and slow. Slow and deliberate. Oh yeah. But for you I'm stripping off very fast._

_I have my shirt off now, now for the trousers. I'm typing and unzipping my fly._

_BLING: __Wish I had webcam… I can picture your every move. Oh yeah, I can picture your chest and I just want to run my tongue down… All the way down._

_Can I have your name? I want to know your name, so I know what to moan out in pure pleasure… Tell me your name virtual lover. Ooh… (pant pant)_

_BLING: __It's Jimmy… Jimmy Palmer_

_Jimmy! Oh God, Jimmy. I can picture your naked body doing things with mine that should never be performed in the workplace._

_BLING: __What's your name?_

_It's McGee Jimmy, you want to meet for coffee?_

_BLING: __Your place or mine?_

* * *

In their respective beds… Gibbs, Ziva, Tony and Leon woke up in a terrible sweat with their eyes wide in horror at the dreams they just had.

"Arrrggghhh," They all screamed in unison. "That's the last time I read fanfiction!"


End file.
